I'm feeling real lonely and dreading tonite-I have to go to work taking care of an ab*sive old lady.

she is very verbal and it doesn't help my fragile self esteem at all. I try not to take it personally as she has dementia and doesn't really know what she's saying but it still gets to me.

Last week I was really depressed and talked to my supervisor about changing clients or quitting. they cant do anything until the end of the month. I dont really want to quit cause I do so badly on the interviews I'm scared I may not get another job. I only have 7 more days to work (its part time) but its 12 hour shifts.

I was supposed to start off slow, like 3 days a week in the daytime. I told them nights weren't out of the question if they really needed me and so they put me on nights. I worked nights before and it got me very depressed because I dont sleep or eat well.

Writting out my feelings helps me so much. My journal as with all journals is one sided and lately I've been needing support. I want to thank all you who have replied to my posts. Your kind words really mean alot to me as I dont have any friends I can talk to about these things.

I feel so worthless. I feel why would anyone want to listen to me? I'm such a coward. I'm so passive. I'm so filled with fear. Fear of new things, fear of people, fear of stepping out of the ordinary, fear of all the what ifs. Meds do help some but it still gets to me. I'm really hard on myself. I think if I'm going to help people I need to be outgoing, confident and assertive. I am getting slightly more confident but the other ones I'm just not, they're not in my personality.

I admitted to my therapist last week that while I'm not suicidal, I had been thinking of suicide as an out of all this trouble, feelings and conflict. I never really felt part of this world, I've always been on the outside of everything, and sometimes I feel i'm just taking up space and air.

I would like to think I'm past suicide. I have done so much hard work in the past to get past it....yet when the world stacks up against me its still springs back in mind like no time has passed. One of the things this week was a realization I may following the wrong dreams. I always wanted to help people heal with my experiences but actually I'm terrified of getting close to anyone and scared of people in general. So how can I help someone I'm scared of? My therapist's answer was to give it time, I'm not done healing yet and after all my experiences I have a right to be apprehensive of people hurting me. Maybe, it does make sense. Sometimes it seems there's no way out of these feelings. I feel better for a couple months then I get down again. I feel like I'm on a carousel. I go up and down but still going in circles.

Alot has happened since my last post. I got a job and lost it after two months. well not completely lost it, but I lost the main client i was taking care of. My stalker has been quiet and its been so nice. Life in general has been good these past two months. But all good things have to come to an end.

I got stronger and sent a letter to my mother-the start of my bad luck. I told her to stay out of my life. and things haven't been good since. Horoscope says the planets aligned that way and nothing I could do about it. Sigh. I do believe things happen for a reason. Really Life just Sucks and Sucks some more.

My nephew got married and I put on a good reception with the help of my sis in law on my husband's side. my side always have something to complain about. His side takes offense to all the complaints so we try not to get them together too often.

I really felt good at the reception like I finally won my mother in our constant battle of trying to win family members over to our sides. But really I always felt inferior to her and never good enough for her. This time I did. I really showed her up. and i didn't have to say or do anything to hurt anyone. LOL oh family gatherings!

I felt like I won although I didn't. She spread a bunch of rumors about me and my husband a week before the wedding reception. I was fuming! I was so mad. But I ignored her although She said Hi to me and my husband like nothing happened. it makes me so mad I can't see straight and she knows it too. thats why I wrote her the letter hopefully letting her know she hasn't gotten away with it fully.

I want to confront her well tell her off anyways. but all i can come up with is Bitch! and calling her what she is doesn't do any good. I can't even say why she is such a Bitch other than she hurt me and other people very badly.

I decided against telliing her all that happened to me. she wouldn't listen anyways. and just take it and use it against me. This is like war and my secrets are the prize since I know most of her secrets. How could a mother and daughter get to such levels? you know she even vandalized my car? All I can say is its an aftereffect of incest. Incest turns the daughter against the mother for not defending/protecting her. My mother not only didn't defend me but added to my abuse by being physically and emotionally abusive and treating me as an adult confident in her sexual adventures when i was just a child.

Her word doesn't mean much to me. she has a long history to say what one wants to hear and takes it all back later even saying that she said it just because its what one wants to hear. So even if she comes crying and asking forgiviness I can't believe it enough to give it to her. She is so manipulative in the worst ways. Sad huh?

I guess the lines are drawn and theres no give,, just pain and more pain. the more she does to me the more I stand my ground and wont forgive her. forgiveness is a funny thing isn't it?? Maybe its not the right word. what she wants is for me to be friends with her again so she can act like a loving mother sendiing me 'daughter' things that she never means.

It's been a while since I last wrote. A lot of changes in my life right now. I got a job and still am not working. I talked to my husband of divorce. I dont really want one I'm just fed up with his actions and attitude towards me. He thinks I'm lazy and is teaching my son that all women are lazy. My mother told my husband that and it sunk in. So I'm lazy. Maybe I am I'm pushing 250 lbs its alot. but i dont see myself as lazy just because I'm not doing what he wants me to when he wants me to.

Enough about him. I'm not going to leave him, i'm just trying to change his attitude. I can't live this way anymore. I've been through so much. so very much.
Now he wants to cut off my insurance and meds. I dont know what to do meds have really changed my life for the better and i dont want to go off them. he is being stingy with the money.

I've made friends far away to be safe friends on the net. I think people are nicer online than in the 3D world. I opened up and told them about my situation and they are bent on helping me out of it. But I'm still stuck. I can't get over whatever it is that is keeping me stuck. FEAR is a big issue. fear of the unknown to be specific.

My T made fun of me for thinking of a fairygodmother will come and because I've been through so much will zap me into a better life. It was a poem, of course i dont believe in fairygodmothers or mothers for that matter.


My husband is fed up with me. My T seems to be fed up with me. I feel I'm getting depressed and to think about changing things suicide comes up. I just can't take it. they say life is too short for me its too long. way too long.

Good news. On April 30 the local women's center is holding a rally for Sexual Assualt Awareness month and my story and poems will be read there. Its a big step in my healing to speak out against rape and to hear my story in front of my hometown.

I feel so happy and nervous about it. maybe more nervous about it cause my sis in law may come with me. she dont know the details of it or that I am still being stalked. It has been an emotionally draining week.

Its been a while since i last wrote. I'm happy to say I'm doing so much better. My meds are a good combination and they've been keeping the voices and anxiety away.

I talked to my sis in law and admitted i was raped. nothing else. no details. just to see how she would react. she handled as well as someone not knowing how to respond would and admitted she didn't have the words for it. which was ok since my rape was 15 years ago I quit looking for sympathy or understanding. I just wanted her to know more about me, and accept me like always and she did so it was a success.

I've seen her many times since then and she doesn't sit and talk a long time with me like before, but i guess now thats gone. but its ok cause I never knew what to say anyways.

I have a job now working in elderly (senior) care. I'm just not working yet. there's alot of paperwork to be done first. but its low stress and pays ok. I think it will give me time and money to continue on searching for my dream of owning a healing center for those like me/us to recieve quality care.

I think its going to take schooling or alot of money. i dont have either. so the first hurdle is to get money to go to school. then get a well paying job and save save.

Saving isn 't something we can do much of anymore, since my medical bills take most of the money now. Thats why after 4 years of being off work due to my major depressive episode brought on by a misscarriage, I got a low stress job to enter back into the work force. Its not long term or full time. Its doing what i dislike the most-housework. well its better than math but still on a daily basis, which i have been doing all my life it gets old.
I had close to a two year break when my sis in law lived with us and she took over the cooking for me. it was a great break.

My rapist/stalker has been quiet and I wish something bad happened to him to leave me alone for so long. I would love to say its stopped altogether forever but, no one knows with these things. All I know is for now its stopped. The phone stopped once i changed the number, and am on the computer so often no one can call on that line. i do get a wrong number call on my phone averaging about once every 2 weeks which do sound like valid wrong numbers.

I feel like a rabbit safe in its tunnel and scared to poke its head out and feel the sun because of all the dangers.
I am getting outside more and more and so far the earth hasn't caved in. I love the suns warmth this time of year. the days are beautiful not hot or cold. Did my stalker stop just because i quit being available? If i was outgoing again would he be back?

Fear is so disabling. i dont think even if he did, i wouldnt' go completely back to the same fear and guilt I felt before. I know too much now to let that happen. but who knows? who knows what will happen? its the not knowing that really gets to me. the unknown is terrifying. and to think i've spent half my life being so scared feeling so guilty and yet I'm still basically in the same place I was before.

others.
I do have an awesome therapist. although they say never compare yourself to others, i get jealous of my sis in law sometimes. she went to therapy five sessions and made a lifelong friend of her T and I been going for 5 years and he doesn't want anything to do with me. well my life is so messed up i guess knowing and having a choice in the matter i wouldnt' want anything to do with me either. I just get jealous and i'm trying to express it before it becomes a problem. Cause i do tend to hold to things till they explode.

Friends.
I like to say the stalking situation i'm in is the reason i dont have any besides here on the internet. but in reality I never learned to make any. I've always been a loner. and its hard to be outgoing and help others if I never learned or experienced real friendship in the first place. I'm too different and it puts people off even if they dont know about me.

Well its been a long while since i posted anything about my thoughts.
i got the medicince upped and I'm kind of in a daze when it comes to thinking. I've been ok. otherwise. Tomorrow I have therapy and support group. I want to work on memories and disclosing. Tonite i have a hypnotherapy session which I will be doing osme memory work there. its very tiring. Remembering. Feeling as if I was there. I want to keep to the known and not lose control. but really i already had put myself owut of control and let him lead me. it was a bit scary. to be lost in one's own mind. I found it interesting enough to try it agian. I really need to start working on getting over this stuff. and not having any secrets. I WANT TO BE FREE. but really is telling everyone the answer? Would it be worse or better. All I know is that it will be something different than what i have been doing and thats called progress.

I'm coming off this emotional high too soon. i never like feeling down. I should be feeling great but all i feel is nervous and jittery cause now that i'm a writer for a website I should be feeling like something accomplished. instead i feel undeserving and worthless. the exact opposite of what i've been trying to work on and for. It really sucks. maybe i should exercise it would help me feel better.

another thing is that tomorrow Polly is coming back and I've decided to tell her about me. i'm scared of how it will go. Will she freak will she not do anything at all? what would i want her to do? be accepting and caring. she'll probably cry. and i dont know if i could take it-i hate hurting people over my garbage. I feel like its time to tell her. but i'm not ready for my mother to know. I'll never be ready for that. It would be all about her if she did know anyways.

They dont know nothing about me and maybe i should keep it that way

Silly silly Look at me! Look at me! I am free! I am Free!
I carried my burden long enough
I was a fighter and had to be tough

I took a chance and what a score
Now I'm here for everyone to adore!
I did it! me! Yes yes come and read

all about it!
the shame and blame
are not longer mine
I want to shout it
out to everyone
I'm free! I'm free!

Read my story its about me!
now i have grown my wings
and given up pride and everything
and became an inspiration
to this generation