Life Reflections

2007-09-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling real lonely and dreading tonite-I have to go to work taking care of an ab*sive old lady.

she is very verbal and it doesn't help my fragile self esteem at all. I try not to take it personally as she has dementia and doesn't really know what she's saying but it still gets to me.

Last week I was really depressed and talked to my supervisor about changing clients or quitting. they cant do anything until the end of the month. I dont really want to quit cause I do so badly on the interviews I'm scared I may not get another job. I only have 7 more days to work (its part time) but its 12 hour shifts.

I was supposed to start off slow, like 3 days a week in the daytime. I told them nights weren't out of the question if they really needed me and so they put me on nights. I worked nights before and it got me very depressed because I dont sleep or eat well.

Writting out my feelings helps me so much. My journal as with all journals is one sided and lately I've been needing support. I want to thank all you who have replied to my posts. Your kind words really mean alot to me as I dont have any friends I can talk to about these things.

I feel so worthless. I feel why would anyone want to listen to me? I'm such a coward. I'm so passive. I'm so filled with fear. Fear of new things, fear of people, fear of stepping out of the ordinary, fear of all the what ifs. Meds do help some but it still gets to me. I'm really hard on myself. I think if I'm going to help people I need to be outgoing, confident and assertive. I am getting slightly more confident but the other ones I'm just not, they're not in my personality.

I admitted to my therapist last week that while I'm not suicidal, I had been thinking of suicide as an out of all this trouble, feelings and conflict. I never really felt part of this world, I've always been on the outside of everything, and sometimes I feel i'm just taking up space and air.

I would like to think I'm past suicide. I have done so much hard work in the past to get past it....yet when the world stacks up against me its still springs back in mind like no time has passed. One of the things this week was a realization I may following the wrong dreams. I always wanted to help people heal with my experiences but actually I'm terrified of getting close to anyone and scared of people in general. So how can I help someone I'm scared of? My therapist's answer was to give it time, I'm not done healing yet and after all my experiences I have a right to be apprehensive of people hurting me. Maybe, it does make sense. Sometimes it seems there's no way out of these feelings. I feel better for a couple months then I get down again. I feel like I'm on a carousel. I go up and down but still going in circles.

2007-06-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

Alot has happened since my last post. I got a job and lost it after two months. well not completely lost it, but I lost the main client i was taking care of. My stalker has been quiet and its been so nice. Life in general has been good these past two months. But all good things have to come to an end.

I got stronger and sent a letter to my mother-the start of my bad luck. I told her to stay out of my life. and things haven't been good since. Horoscope says the planets aligned that way and nothing I could do about it. Sigh. I do believe things happen for a reason. Really Life just Sucks and Sucks some more.

My nephew got married and I put on a good reception with the help of my sis in law on my husband's side. my side always have something to complain about. His side takes offense to all the complaints so we try not to get them together too often.

I really felt good at the reception like I finally won my mother in our constant battle of trying to win family members over to our sides. But really I always felt inferior to her and never good enough for her. This time I did. I really showed her up. and i didn't have to say or do anything to hurt anyone. LOL oh family gatherings!

I felt like I won although I didn't. She spread a bunch of rumors about me and my husband a week before the wedding reception. I was fuming! I was so mad. But I ignored her although She said Hi to me and my husband like nothing happened. it makes me so mad I can't see straight and she knows it too. thats why I wrote her the letter hopefully letting her know she hasn't gotten away with it fully.

I want to confront her well tell her off anyways. but all i can come up with is Bitch! and calling her what she is doesn't do any good. I can't even say why she is such a Bitch other than she hurt me and other people very badly.

I decided against telliing her all that happened to me. she wouldn't listen anyways. and just take it and use it against me. This is like war and my secrets are the prize since I know most of her secrets. How could a mother and daughter get to such levels? you know she even vandalized my car? All I can say is its an aftereffect of incest. Incest turns the daughter against the mother for not defending/protecting her. My mother not only didn't defend me but added to my abuse by being physically and emotionally abusive and treating me as an adult confident in her sexual adventures when i was just a child.

Her word doesn't mean much to me. she has a long history to say what one wants to hear and takes it all back later even saying that she said it just because its what one wants to hear. So even if she comes crying and asking forgiviness I can't believe it enough to give it to her. She is so manipulative in the worst ways. Sad huh?

I guess the lines are drawn and theres no give,, just pain and more pain. the more she does to me the more I stand my ground and wont forgive her. forgiveness is a funny thing isn't it?? Maybe its not the right word. what she wants is for me to be friends with her again so she can act like a loving mother sendiing me 'daughter' things that she never means.

2007-04-15T01:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last wrote. A lot of changes in my life right now. I got a job and still am not working. I talked to my husband of divorce. I dont really want one I'm just fed up with his actions and attitude towards me. He thinks I'm lazy and is teaching my son that all women are lazy. My mother told my husband that and it sunk in. So I'm lazy. Maybe I am I'm pushing 250 lbs its alot. but i dont see myself as lazy just because I'm not doing what he wants me to when he wants me to.

Enough about him. I'm not going to leave him, i'm just trying to change his attitude. I can't live this way anymore. I've been through so much. so very much.
Now he wants to cut off my insurance and meds. I dont know what to do meds have really changed my life for the better and i dont want to go off them. he is being stingy with the money.

I've made friends far away to be safe friends on the net. I think people are nicer online than in the 3D world. I opened up and told them about my situation and they are bent on helping me out of it. But I'm still stuck. I can't get over whatever it is that is keeping me stuck. FEAR is a big issue. fear of the unknown to be specific.

My T made fun of me for thinking of a fairygodmother will come and because I've been through so much will zap me into a better life. It was a poem, of course i dont believe in fairygodmothers or mothers for that matter.

My husband is fed up with me. My T seems to be fed up with me. I feel I'm getting depressed and to think about changing things suicide comes up. I just can't take it. they say life is too short for me its too long. way too long.

Good news. On April 30 the local women's center is holding a rally for Sexual Assualt Awareness month and my story and poems will be read there. Its a big step in my healing to speak out against rape and to hear my story in front of my hometown.

I feel so happy and nervous about it. maybe more nervous about it cause my sis in law may come with me. she dont know the details of it or that I am still being stalked. It has been an emotionally draining week.

2007-03-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

Its been a while since i last wrote. I'm happy to say I'm doing so much better. My meds are a good combination and they've been keeping the voices and anxiety away.

I talked to my sis in law and admitted i was raped. nothing else. no details. just to see how she would react. she handled as well as someone not knowing how to respond would and admitted she didn't have the words for it. which was ok since my rape was 15 years ago I quit looking for sympathy or understanding. I just wanted her to know more about me, and accept me like always and she did so it was a success.

I've seen her many times since then and she doesn't sit and talk a long time with me like before, but i guess now thats gone. but its ok cause I never knew what to say anyways.

I have a job now working in elderly (senior) care. I'm just not working yet. there's alot of paperwork to be done first. but its low stress and pays ok. I think it will give me time and money to continue on searching for my dream of owning a healing center for those like me/us to recieve quality care.

I think its going to take schooling or alot of money. i dont have either. so the first hurdle is to get money to go to school. then get a well paying job and save save.

Saving isn 't something we can do much of anymore, since my medical bills take most of the money now. Thats why after 4 years of being off work due to my major depressive episode brought on by a misscarriage, I got a low stress job to enter back into the work force. Its not long term or full time. Its doing what i dislike the most-housework. well its better than math but still on a daily basis, which i have been doing all my life it gets old.
I had close to a two year break when my sis in law lived with us and she took over the cooking for me. it was a great break.

My rapist/stalker has been quiet and I wish something bad happened to him to leave me alone for so long. I would love to say its stopped altogether forever but, no one knows with these things. All I know is for now its stopped. The phone stopped once i changed the number, and am on the computer so often no one can call on that line. i do get a wrong number call on my phone averaging about once every 2 weeks which do sound like valid wrong numbers.

I feel like a rabbit safe in its tunnel and scared to poke its head out and feel the sun because of all the dangers.
I am getting outside more and more and so far the earth hasn't caved in. I love the suns warmth this time of year. the days are beautiful not hot or cold. Did my stalker stop just because i quit being available? If i was outgoing again would he be back?

Fear is so disabling. i dont think even if he did, i wouldnt' go completely back to the same fear and guilt I felt before. I know too much now to let that happen. but who knows? who knows what will happen? its the not knowing that really gets to me. the unknown is terrifying. and to think i've spent half my life being so scared feeling so guilty and yet I'm still basically in the same place I was before.

others.
I do have an awesome therapist. although they say never compare yourself to others, i get jealous of my sis in law sometimes. she went to therapy five sessions and made a lifelong friend of her T and I been going for 5 years and he doesn't want anything to do with me. well my life is so messed up i guess knowing and having a choice in the matter i wouldnt' want anything to do with me either. I just get jealous and i'm trying to express it before it becomes a problem. Cause i do tend to hold to things till they explode.

Friends.
I like to say the stalking situation i'm in is the reason i dont have any besides here on the internet. but in reality I never learned to make any. I've always been a loner. and its hard to be outgoing and help others if I never learned or experienced real friendship in the first place. I'm too different and it puts people off even if they dont know about me.

2006-10-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

Well its been a long while since i posted anything about my thoughts.
i got the medicince upped and I'm kind of in a daze when it comes to thinking. I've been ok. otherwise. Tomorrow I have therapy and support group. I want to work on memories and disclosing. Tonite i have a hypnotherapy session which I will be doing osme memory work there. its very tiring. Remembering. Feeling as if I was there. I want to keep to the known and not lose control. but really i already had put myself owut of control and let him lead me. it was a bit scary. to be lost in one's own mind. I found it interesting enough to try it agian. I really need to start working on getting over this stuff. and not having any secrets. I WANT TO BE FREE. but really is telling everyone the answer? Would it be worse or better. All I know is that it will be something different than what i have been doing and thats called progress.

2006-09-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm coming off this emotional high too soon. i never like feeling down. I should be feeling great but all i feel is nervous and jittery cause now that i'm a writer for a website I should be feeling like something accomplished. instead i feel undeserving and worthless. the exact opposite of what i've been trying to work on and for. It really sucks. maybe i should exercise it would help me feel better.

another thing is that tomorrow Polly is coming back and I've decided to tell her about me. i'm scared of how it will go. Will she freak will she not do anything at all? what would i want her to do? be accepting and caring. she'll probably cry. and i dont know if i could take it-i hate hurting people over my garbage. I feel like its time to tell her. but i'm not ready for my mother to know. I'll never be ready for that. It would be all about her if she did know anyways.

They dont know nothing about me and maybe i should keep it that way

2006-08-31T00:56:00.000-07:00

Silly silly Look at me! Look at me! I am free! I am Free!
I carried my burden long enough
I was a fighter and had to be tough

I took a chance and what a score
Now I'm here for everyone to adore!
I did it! me! Yes yes come and read

all about it!
the shame and blame
are not longer mine
I want to shout it
out to everyone
I'm free! I'm free!

Read my story its about me!
now i have grown my wings
and given up pride and everything
and became an inspiration
to this generation

2006-08-30T01:17:00.000-07:00

Its wierd how things work out. When I first started this account I wanted to make it to have a nice place for me, but it wasn't going to be a place where I talked about my abuse and rape. It was going to be a fun place with pink clouds and everything. Yeah Right. The books are so right when they say when recovering from abuse it seeps into every area of your life and all you seem to talk about is abuse.

It just dawned on me that now is the time to make a move to tell my family if I ever am going to. I have no more secrets. The world knows my deepest darkest secrets and its downloadable for free. But not my family. They dont know and I still dont want them to know. Just I would love to tell my sis in law and oldest brother. Its a trust issue I need to break. Can I trust her enough not to tell my mother? and how much would it matter if she did?

Its funny how i react to people, it seems the closer they get to me the less i want them to know about me. the people on my message board wanted to read my story. My first thought was oh no! not them! we're too close! I dont have anyone close to me and who knows personal stuff about me. But all that is now changing and for the better! I'm getting support and commended on my bravery and have made so many more true good friends on here. Oh this situation is getting uncomfortable thats growth which is a good thing if it weren't so dang uncomfortable. Why doesn't anything ever turn out the way I think it will? lol

Another part of me feels liberated and happy. FREE AT LAST! I no longer have the weight to carry I let it go. My T says getting published doesn't help grow self confidence, but for me it does! I no longer have to be ashamed. For how can I be ashamed of being so brave to publish my story and have the entire world know what I kept silent for 16 years? How can I be ashamed of helping people like me? of Making more meaningful relationships?

I fear and long for my friends in the 3D world to know me better. To know the real me. I tired to explain it to some but it went rather badly and destroyed the closeness of the relationship. Now I can say Their loss. NOT mine. HEY THIS IS ME! DEAL WITH IT! I'M FREE AND IT FEELS GREAT! I HAVE NO MORE SECRETS! All the strings are cut. and I hope they never tie me down again.

and so begins the first day of my manic state, which since I'm so depressed and only have the depressed side of bipolar it means -well hey what do you know I'm Normal!

2006-08-28T01:08:00.000-07:00

As I think back over the ten years its been since he came back into my life, I wonder why I put up with it for so long. If I had told Polly would she tell my mother? I think she would its too serious. So we're closer but the main part of my life I still cant talk about. Its sad. Its frustrating and as my T says he's glad he's not me.

If she told my mother, my mother would report it. she wants to report everybody. she won't care about things like retailiation, my life or what it means to me. its always about her.

For ten years what did i get out of it? whats my payoff? why did i let go on for so long? 1. No belief anyone can help me. 2. attention its the wrong attention but I was attention starved. 3 this maybe stretching but an out- I never liked feeling trapped and thats how my husband and son make me feel sometimes.

He must be getting something out of it to keep it up after ten years.

2006-08-27T01:21:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago this month my rapist came back into my life and shattered it. It seems so long ago, I was so young so naive at 20. so many regrets. But I didn't think he was back for me, and driving down a street wasn't against the law and all the calls, how could I prove it was him? Only because the phone started acting strange after he showed up in my life is the only connection.

I still feel so limited in my options to stop this harrassment. although since I changed the phone number and gas prices gone up I haven't been harrassed in a while. I would like to feel as my T makes me feel like it should be over. Is anything like this ever really over? When something like this has been going on this long does a month or two of silence make a difference?

I feel so helpless so constricted and limited. I feel numb to it all now. It felt like 10 years after the first year. Its life now, I'm used to it, even though its not going on as much as it used to, I can't escape the feelings. I feel dumb, like anyone else would know what to do and would have done it already. Reporting the whole story to the police is the obvious thing to do but I'm so scared of what he and his friends would do if I did. Maybe I will never be over it. I would love to think, to say its all in my head and I'm just paranoid about it, that I'm making it all up. Then something happens and makes it all real again.

I dont believe anymore. In order to survive the constant harrassment for so long I adapted to my husband's denial thinking that its not really going on. Eventually it cancelled out all my other feelings and all my belief whether in myself or in others. I cant believe things, if I believed then I would have to believe the situation I'm in is real and serious (although it doesn't seem that urgent).

I've suffered so much keeping silent about this. Its my mistake backed by my husband who says its my problem and not to involve anyone else. I've been suicidal for the last 3 years, I miscarried, I lost friends and chances to make friends, jobs the list goes on. So yes I suffered. I always wanted to be strong, to take it. to not let things bother me. But after ten years of almost constant harrassment somethings got to break. Being in my mind for so long its become a huge nightmare out of control.

10 years, a whole decade, a third of my life, all my adult life and all of my son's life of always being on the lookout, being safe, making sure I dont keep a schedule. Its taken its toll on my nerves. I dont believe I will ever feel completely safe again. I dont believe the police can make it safe enough for me, its just illogical to think the anyone could protect me 24/7 all the time.

What i have now is not life. its merely surviving. I dont do what I want to do. I can't trust enough to be in the type of work I want to be in. This situation is finally edging into my life's plans and destroying them too. My family doesn't know anything about him or the situation I'm in. only my husband knows, if something were to happen to me, no one would know who or what or why. I am so mad at myself. knowing all this and still I can't do anything about because of fear. I'm so tired and so distanced from it all it makes my whole life seem like a bad dream or someone else's life.

2006-08-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

The good news the morning after pill is now available without a prescription for those over 18!

Its great news something I've been silently advocating for a while. If the pregnancy is unwanted why even let it start?

2006-08-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

Emotions
When was the last time you cried?: In San Jose in front of about 800 people it was so embarrassing

Are you a very emotional person?: I dont think so

Do you ever feel left out? When?:yes I do, when I'm around a group of people it always seems they're more in tune with each other

Are you an introvert or somewhat outgoing?: I am the definition of an introvert. so I'm working on being an Interest Introvert and learn to ask questions.

Do you ever have short/quick, angry outbreaks?: no. all my anger lasts a long time.

Do you hate anyone? Who and why?: I hate my parents and they seem to hate me so its mutual.

How useful do you feel to others?: not very

Do you think you're depressed? Why?: I've been dx'ed as depressed going on 4 years now. for many reasons. I had a miscarriage, I'm under alot of stress, I drank too much, I worked night shift and didn't get enough sleep, I live on the west side

Crisis
Are you ever picked on (adult or child)? I was picked on as a child and teenager.

Do you ever avoid mirrors because you were disgusted with your image?: No
Has anyone close to you died recently?: no

Do you believe that your childhood was a good one? No I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally, really I'm lucky to still be alive.

Do you ever feel left out or get ditched by friends?: no

How many good friends do you have?: I have alot of internet friends who know the real me.

How many enemies do you have?: my parents thats 2 my ex and his friends thats about 20 so 22 give or take.

Are you single?: Nope I'm married

Do you want to find love?: All ready found it

Are your parents divorced, or are there any odd family arrangements?: yes my parents are divorced. my mother remarried a guy 20 years younger than she is.

Are you labeled in a specific clique?: no

Pain & Suffering
Is there a loaded gun in your house? Do you have access to it?:
no

Have you ever inflicted pain on yourself? How?: yes when i was a teen i used to cut. Most of the time though I make someone mad at me who I knew would hurt me so its a little self inflicted.

How many personal ways of dieing have you ever thought about?: I tried to hang myself. i thought about ODing. Of sliting my throat and veins, of driving my car off the over pass or into a river, jumping off a cliff. Did I mention I am depressed?

Do you ever feel angry enough to kill somebody?: No, unless it was in self defense
Do you ever feel guilty about miniscule things you've commited?: yes

Do you cut?: i used to

Do you ever really intend to end your life?: A couple of months ago that would have been a yes. Now I'm not so sure. I'll give it a couple more months

Do you dream at night? If so, what about?: I dream about dying, getting killed, ghosts

Do you ever starve yourself?: In high school i did

Are you bi-polar?: yes I been dx'ed as bi=polar and the meds do work so i guess I am

Do you like gore?: yes I was a nurse and I like horror movies

Are your actions usually misconstrued by others? You know only by certain types of people .

Do you write poetry? Are you any good?: Yes I've been published in two books and I'm working on writting my own book of poems.

Do you draw morbid things quickly?: yes

What are you afraid of most?: being kidnapped by my ex, raped tortured and killed

Do you feel hopeless (about anything)?: yes

Is your life repetative?: No I have a dissociative disorder so everything seems new everyday

Do people around you irritate you?: no

Have you ever cried in public for no reason at all?:yes and i hated it. I used to never cry in public.

Do you take any medications? What?: the list goes on and on and on

Why do you wake up in the morning?: I dont, I usually wake up around 1 pm.

2006-08-22T06:06:00.000-07:00

I dont feel I belong anywhere. I'm too strong for some, too weak for others. I dont have enough confidence in myself.

2006-08-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

[[ This Summer... Have You ]]

1. Drank alcohol?
Yes twice, which I shouldn't because of the meds I'm on

2. Cried?
yes about 3x

3. had sex?
yep
4. Been on a vacation to a different state?
no

5. Been on a vacation to a different country?
no but thinking about selling everything and moving there

6. Been to the beach?
no

7. Been to the boardwalk?
no

8. Done drugs?
no

9. Smoked?
no

10. Snuck out?
no
11. Had a sleepover?
myson did does that count?

12. Stayed up all night?
yep

13. Slept in someone elses bed?
my son's

14. Went in a pool?
no
15. ...Without a bathing suit?
no

16. Been on the computer a lot?
yeah
17. Played video games?
some

18. Listened to an ipod/mp3 player?:
no
19. Been on over 30 car rides?
no

20. Been grounded?
dont talk to parents

21. Been to a party?
almost every weekend

22. Regret something
no

23. Been dumped?
no

24. Lied?
no

25. Done something against the law?
NO
26. Been camping?
No

27. Got in a fight?
no

29. Stayed at a hotel?
yes

30. Talked on the phone all night?
yes with my brother

31. Went shopping?
yes

32. Been hit on?
no

34. Asked someone out?
no

35. Got in a car with a stranger?
no

36. Lost someone close?
no

37. Had someone sleep in your bed?
my husband

38. Been to the movies?
no
39. Been to a club?
no

[[ Who is/are... ]]

The person/people you were with the most?:
Sergio, Martin, G and Tino

[[ Where... ]]

Have you been the most?:
the grocery store and on the computer

[[ Random... ]]

Favorite ice cream this summer?:
mint n chip

Best moment?
when i realized life goes on and not to cling to every moment

Biggest regret so far this summer?:
that i'm still not working

Favorite song this summer?:
Hello by Evanescence

Favorite movie?:
dont know

Is this the best summer so far?:
no but definitely the most boring

Are you looking forward to school starting?:
yes so my son has something to do

Do you have a Boyfriend or Girlfriend?:
i'm married

2006-08-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

My feelings are all jumbled up. i can't communicate clearly even to myself. I went to a park today. my son's first day of school, 6th grade. I walked all the way around it. my lower started hurting halfway around it and it decreased my speed considerably. also halfway around i seen two school girls walking to school looking uncertain and almost leaning on each other. I remembered how me and Patty must have looked. I remembered my feelings of loneliness and feeling exposed. and yet here i was again walking the streets. something I had said I wouldnt ever do if i didn't have to. well i guess never is a long time.

2006-08-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

more than 45, your considered a bad kid.

1. smoked
2. consumed alcohol
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5. kissed someone of the same sex
6. had sex
7. had someone in your room of the opposite sex
8. watched porn
9. bought porn
10. done drugs
TOTAL: 8

1. taken painkillers
2. taken someone else's prescription medicine
3. lied to your parents
4. lied to a friend
5. snuck out of the house
6. done something illegal
7. cut yourself
8. hurt someone
9. wished someone to die
10. seen someone die
TOTAL: 7

1. missed curfew
2. stayed out all night
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
4. been to a therapist
5. been to rehab
6. dyed your hair
7. received a ticket
8. been in an accident
9. been to a club
10. been to a bar
TOTAL: 8

1. been to a wild party
2. seen the Mardi Gras
3. drank more than four beers in a night
4. had a spring break in Florida
5. sniffed anything
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm band
8. wore t-shirts with band names
9. listened to rap
10. own a 50 Cent CD
TOTAL: 6

1. dressed gothic
2. dressed prep
3. dressed punk
4. dressed grunge
5. stole something
6. been too drunk to remember anything
7. blacked out
8. fainted
9. had a crush on your neighbor
10. had someone sneak into your room
TOTAL: 7

1. snuck into someone else's room
2. had a crush on your best friend
3. been to a concert
4. dry-humped someone
5. been called a slut
6. called someone a slut
7. installed speakers in your car
8. broken a mirror
9. showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
10. brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush
TOTAL: 9

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper
2. seen an R-rated movie in theaters
3. cruised the mall
4. skipped school
5. had surgery
6. had an injury
7. gone to court
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying
9. caught something on fire
10. lied about your age
TOTAL: 5

1. owned an apartment
2. broke the law in police presence
3. cheated with someone
4. got in trouble with the police
5. talked to a stranger
6. hugged a stranger
7. kissed a stranger
8. rode in the car with a stranger
9. been sexually harrassed
10. been verbally harrassed
TOTAL: 7

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online
2. stayed online for 12 hours straight
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight
4. watched TV for 12 hours straight
5. been to a fair
6. been called a bad influence
7. cursed
8. prank-called someone
9. laid in a bed with someone of the opposite sex
10. cheated on a test
TOTAL: 8

1. cheated on homework
2. held hands with someone of the same sex
3. been pushed into a pool
4. played pool
5. watched 5 hours of MTV straight
6. had a crush on someone 8 years older than you
7. had a crush on someone younger than you
8. worn eyeliner
9. skinny-dipped
10. laughed at a retarded person in a wheelchair
TOTAL: 8

2006-07-30T02:25:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little low and lost. I feel no one seems to understand me. I sure don't understand me. I made a mistake and told my husband about the book I'm writting and got put down for it. Now I'm thinking why would anyone want to read a book on dreams anyways? The thing that keeps me going is that its not being written for fame or money but as a healing project that might get published, not the other way around.

Its been an emotional week. Tomorrow is my Granny's last birthday she'll be 94. At least I'll get to see her one last time. We dont have a close relationship and I'm so bad I know I dont feel much regret over it either. The times we have been together have always been pleasant. I'm overwhelmed in the feeling department as it is these last couple weeks.

Tuesday is Eddie's birthday. Why i remember such garbage and can't remember what i did yesterday is beyond me. Maybe cause I knew about it before the trauma. Things did seem more real back then, at least i knew what was wanted of me, not like now. Everything since the rape has seemed unreal. like a continuing bad dream where nothing matters.

2006-07-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Poem forgive me

FORGIVE ME
By AAS
December 1, 2003
Excuse me? Can I ask you for a hand out of any extra love and compassion?
I’ve haven’t none
There are secrets that can’t be told
Secrets that must be kept silent
There is a lot pain not spoken of
I can no longer keep quiet

Words, words don’t say anything, the wind must carry the meaning away
Even through you’re hearing me speaking, you hear nothing that I say.
Love is something I can never attain.
Forgive me for not saying what you want to hear
Forgive my words they are those that aren’t to be spoken
Words that aren’t supposed to reach your ears

Forgive me for having lived through the nightmare you so fear
Forgive me for surviving, wanting to live
Now I have to share my secret with everyone near
Its not something I can easily give

I can’t wait any longer
I can’t suffer in silence anymore
You won’t understand unless you’ve lived it
There’s a lot more I have to bear
For keeping silent
Its bad to let it be known and worse to keep it hidden

2006-07-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

So I'm in the process of reading my story to my T. Its hard not to skip around and there are parts I'd rather not say. The part that sees him, well sometimes I think is a child, which is hard for her to talk about what happened. I feel like the child I was when it happened and my T keeps saying where are the parents? where's the protection? It makes me feel good, like at least not all the blame is on me for getting myself in that situation in the first place. (my husband still blames me, so i quit trying to talk to him about it he only makes me feel worse).

Its hard to face. This is the longest time I've openly dealt with it. No wonder i'm drained. Before I could mention it and read through it but then it got to be too much for me and I would have to put it away. Now its been 3 weeks and I still have at least 2 or 3 more appts with my T dealing specifically on my rape. I feel its time and I'm in a good place to be dealing with it. I am stronger now. I dont feel all the blame and am working on not taking on all the blame. What a relief it is to tell my story verbally now and not get blamed for it. Its so different than what I ever experienced. I like it and hope thats how the rest of the world is, cause for one I do know the bad side, I never got around to knowing any good people. Its what I've been working toward for 4 years straight.
Maybe having it all out in the open the nightmare will stop. Yes I am hopeful about it.

I dont feel as afraid as I used to. Its not as big or as intimidating as it once was when i was trying to figure it out on my own. I was always in control of everything, I had to make the decisions. My mother either wasn't around or up to it. I was very mature for my age, everyone said so. So coming from that background why wouldn't i see things as my doing? and it was MY thing I had to take responiblity for it and figure it out without burdening anyone else with it.

I was 14. He was 24. only 10 years difference but as they say on Loveline its a big 10 years, there's alot of growth in those teen years. my T brought up the point comparing a 14 year old boy and a 24 year old man, the 14 year old has a certain hesitation, akwardness of inexperience that slows things down to a manageable level. the 24 year old already went through that and is faster, more experienced and more confident. I was looking for someone to protect me, care for me, really it just hit me now that i was looking for my big brothers, not a guy who would take advantage of me in ways I had no knowledge of.

Whats done is done and I've cried about it so very few times. I took it that whats done is done and crying wouldn't change it. but crying does release so many pent up feelings. I chose the tough approach for as long as I could. why do we do that? Act so tough for so long when only later we have go back and dig up all these feelings again and now people always look for a motive as to why now? Why can't not being strong enough to face these things up to now suffice? I want nothing of the guy except for him to leave me alone. I couldn't care less of him.
I hurt, i've carried around this pain like it was the weight of the world. I sleep and its there in my dreams. there are constant reminders since I still live in the same town.

Yes Its time to let it go. and I will as soon as I learn how to do it. I dont come from a forgiving and forgetting family. I have even had trouble apologizing to people cause it wasn't something I experienced. I have alot to learn about the good side of the world. but what wonderful lessons to learn I could be forgiven if I asked for forgiveness.

2006-07-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

my dream, secret agent

1. Night. I was in a war zone, futuristic place. I was a new secret agent. A woman with brown hair was teaching me the ropes. I was in the DEA unit and looking for drug trafficers. The woman Nan and I went on a mission. we met homeless people. Then it was discovered that Nan was a double agent. I was the only one who could get close to her. they put a new mircophone under my tongue the only one she didn't know of. i couldn't talk right because of it, it was too big. so i began to chew it like gum. we were on the 10th floor safe from the war on the streets below. but the tanks and gunfire sounded out. there were overhangs where we could watch safely from above.

I went out after Nan and she took me hostage as planned. We crossed the street below to another building. in an above ground courtyard, we discovered she waan't a double agent and was set up to appear that way.

Nan went to the airport to stop a shipment. she took a duffel bag full of large toy jets filled with drugs. she got in a tractor trailer and hid in there. The trailer was shipped to another part of the country.

dark graylight. I was friends with the homeless. An old homeless woman named Penny was there and very giving. she made me a white coconut cake in the shape of a wreath. she spent lavishly on gifts for her friends. then she died. Her friends knew she was sick but didn't see the end coming. Then her gifts all made sense.

I tasted the same cake of another, then looked for mine, coconut wasnt' my favorite but her cake was good.

I was then on another mission. to get there the bridge was out. we had to go around and use rte 79's bridge. Under the bridge was a high drop off creating a water fall. the water was grey. on the other side of the bridge was a big group of square plastic pools in the water. Parents and small children were playing in them. we decided to go swimming too since we were ahead of schedule. I got in one pool the sides were hard, and the water was only ankle deep. The children got out and wanted ice cream.

Then we left and told others of the way to get around the broken bridge. We found the guys who were smuggling drugs and had a shoot out with them. we arrested them.

2006-07-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

m y dream aunts divorce being chased

1. Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt pam's house. she was getting divorced and all the adults were agruing loudly.

2. at Matt's house we cleaned out a large pool and swam in it, the diving pool had worms in it. it was cold.

3. back at my aunts house. they were arguing over the assets.

4. at my mothers backyard. my son's friend luis came over with some of the Lizarraga kids i was a child also they kept tripping me and holding down on the ground. I ran away from them. my parents thought that since i didnt' like it there i got adopted to a philippino family. So i was missing but no one missed me. I ran from the boys down the street and into the field. it was spring and the grass was high. so i laid down in the grass and pulled over a thick white sheet. a ways away the boys set up a tent where they could watch for me. i got up after resting and started running again. i got tripped and held down again.

5 my little bro pat got in trouble and for punishement he would have to play basketball with me and paul for 6 weeks.

6. I was showering, other people in the bathroom. i had my gold chains on there. i picked them up and took them to my room.

2006-07-13T01:37:00.000-07:00

About Me
Name Nicolette
Nickname Michelle
Birthday 5-4-76 Age 30
Height 5'6
Hair Color strawberry blonde, at the moment
Eye Color blue
Have You Ever
Fallen for your besfriend no
Kissed someone who was just your friend yes
Been rejected yes
Been in love yes
Used someone yes
Cheated on someone no
Been cheated on yes
Done something you regret yes
Do you ...
Color your hair yes
Have tattos no
If so how many
Have any peircings yes
If so how many 4
Have a bf/gf married
Like thunderstorms yes
Ever get off the damn computer once in a while
Have you/Do you have...
Considered a life of crime yes
Considered being a hooker yes
Coneidered being a pimp no
Split personalities yes
Obsessions yes
Panic yes
Anxiety yes
Depression/Considered suicid yes
Right now..
Current clothes orange and red capris with a red shirt
Current mood down
Current hair strawberry blonde shoulder lenght
Current music all types
Current annoyance Jesse
Current perfume/cologne celine Dion
Current thing you should be doing sleeping
Current crush my husband
Favorite
Drink pespi
Candy snickers
Tv Show mad tv
Movie the princess bride
Place home with my husbands and kids
Person to talk to no one at the moment
Do your perfer..
McDonalds or Burger King Burger king
Marry the Perfect Lover or the perfect friend Prefect lover
Root Beer or Dr Pepper root beer
Sunshine or Rain sunshine
Spring or Fall spring
Winter or Summer winter
Vanilla or Chocolate chocolate
Snowboarding or Sking skiing
Lights on or Off off
Are you...
Understanding yes
Open Minded yes
Bad Tempered no
Happy yes
Attractive yes
Bored Easily kinda
Sad yes
Unique yes
What do you like in a Girl/ Boy hair
Eyes brown
Hair color black
Long or short hair long
Hieght 5'7
Body Type athletic
Personality out going
Random
How would you describe yourself intimidated and scared
Do you have any Pets? yes
Have any syblings? yes 4 brothers
What did you want to be when you grow up? a stripper
Do you wanna get married and have kids? no
What is your best physical Trait? legs
What is the best thing about your personality? i empower people
What words do you overuse just
Whats the most annoying thing about my accent
End this survey with a quote it is far better to be hated for what you have done than loved for what you haven't done

2006-07-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

Monday, July 10, 2006
1:07:24 PM PDT
my dream-calling ramiro, family fight

1. it was the fouth of July. dusk. I was n my mothers back yard. I planned and made a big dinner, it was my annversary or something also. My stepdad made carnitas out of a whole turkey. The freezer was filled with food. i had two turkeys. many people would be comming. a popping noise and a white light in the sky. it fell behind my nieghbors steves house. and caught some huge cotton woods on fire.

2. after the dinner we came to a clearing off of fulkerth road where a 12 year old wanted to buy a truck for his birthday. he had the money and his family seen no harm in it as long as he drove it in their field and not on the road. which is what the boy wanted to do anyways.

3. the truck turned into a motorcycle. I got to drive it. i learned how to make it go and rev it up. i rode it uphill and popped it up. from the sky i seen a cop pulling up to another field where another little boy was ridfing his motorcycle. I was scared even through it was private property it still might not be the thing to do.

4.I gave the bike back. and told about the cop in the next field. they said we have to worry about it if he looks our way. so we continued on, cautiously watching for cops.

5.Night. we were playing a game in the field. my crazy stepmom comes with a gun and shoots my brother paul twice in the abdomen and his wife once in the side. Patrick and alisa get in a fight and she pulls out a gun and shoots him in the chest. I run east to a small covered alley and close the door behind me. i begin to bang on the doors hoping someone is home. my little brothers ex girlfriend answered the door. i ran in telling what happened and that i needed to call the police. they put me on hold. then said whats done is done and nothing could be done about it.

6. then Mandy got mad at me. i was wearing a cream color leather jacket and high heeled shoes. I took them off. Mandy took my shoes at gunpoint. she shot patrick.

7. I was waiting outside the house. My shoes i had to get them back. i went inside to ask for them....they were lost no one knew where they were. I had a cellphone in my hand. Even through Ramiro hadn't called me in while, i wanted to call him. Just to ask for him and hang up. I was nervous in doing it. it wasn't a good thing to do, but i just wanted to to stand up for myself. to take some power back. the phone number came up 620-----, i stopped scared. what was i going to say? i walked around the yard nervously. i put the phone down and began to look for my shoes again. I lost my jacket also. it was a corner house. with bushes close to the house. i picked up my phone again the number still showed i got scared a button would be pushed to send the call. i had to get it over with. (wow deja vu) I pushed send and took a deep breath.

a guy answered in spanish, i got a picture in my head of what he looked like. tall thin, bronzed complexion short sandy blonde hair young about 21. he said hello? i said se encuentra ramiro? he said, yes one moment, departe de quien? I said Nadia (no one)OH NO! he was there! I put the phone on mute. i meant to hang it up. i heard them in the background. "Ramiro a phone call, its Nadia" the guy. Ramiro "oh Nadia? ok." the same guy came back on the line, he'll be here in a moment...hello?, do you want his direct number?" to ramiro "she must have hung up" i felt scared and bad. i could get his direct number if i wasn't so scared to do so.

6. I still couldn't find my shoes. i really liked them also, even through they hurt my feet. I calmed Mandy down and got her to not shoot me. she said she never took my shoes. we gathered up and got on a shuttle into a new track neighborhood to watch a fireworks show. the price was 39 dollars and to park was 49 dollars.

7. i missed the show being inbetween ceres and turlock. I found myself in an 1800s era. I was a belle and there was the guy who answered the phone. i was going east over the rocky mountains. I was going to catch a carriage going that way. The one that was arranged for me wasn't moving fast at all the horses mostly grazed and walked at their own pace. the guy said it would take six months to get past the valley and into the mountains. by then the pass would have closed with snow. And wait i haven't even seen the declaration of indepence that had just been signed! I had to see it the guy said.

8. we talked long and lovingly. i enjoyed his company. i was considerably older than he was. We wished we could be together but we both were parting our ways. we went in the small town hall office and seen a piece of paper, it wasn't the real declaration only a draft written by someone else. Thomas Jefferson was there and took it away and began to write the real declaration of independence.

9. I was in modern times walmart in another town. i seen the same guy and remembered him from so long ago. i was married and had a son. he was young not yet married barely got a job. we began to talk and he led me to a high seated desk and we talked about how much we had missed each other, how funny to meet in the toy section of walmart. a girl came up to us and we became good friends. then we had to part saying we would meet again.

10. at a walmart in my hometown it was just as big but didn't have half as much stuff. i met up with my friends another girl was there she had 2 kids boy and girl. i offered to babysit them since she had to work.

we exchanged numbers. it was night rainning. i walked home from new deal.

2006-07-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know. I had a dream with an aha! moment in it and it was true. I do miss some things just because they are familiar and not likeable.
I'm writting my book its got 121 pages so far. I got to admit its a pretty damn good story. I just need to round off the corners and smooth out some wrinkles.

2006-07-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

I watched some movies over the weekend

Ultra Violet which was nothing like the previews said it would be but my son loved it all the same. Triggering for me when the head bad guy said "Easy Violet"

When a Stranger Calls: scary as hell. kind of hit too close to home in some areas like the phone constantly ringing. Oh I so understood that girl's fear.

Human Trafficking the whole miniseries is now on videotape: very good in a real way, like it wasn't a waste of time. powerful message. not sure if it was on true events. Triggering. I'm not sure why but this type of thing always affects me.

Hollow man: that was misleading. nice twist to an old theme.

Last Holiday: good feelgood movie not as funny as i thought it would be.

Underworld: it was good, not one you want to watch over dinner through as I found out the hard way.

El Matador: good a little slow.

I haven't been doing much of anything else lately. Made a couple new friends on myspace.

2006-07-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

my dream prostitute, dad's dinner

1. My husband was getting on me again about getting a job. I talked him into letting me be a prostitute. I crossed the busy street many times.

2.I was in the car and we were circling a park known for prostitution. we couldn't decide on which guy would be for me. i was beginning to feel cheap.

3. There was a modeling agency and i talked him into letting me do that instead. they took pictures as on crossed the street. I was dressed in black. sky cloudy, daytime.

4. I went to my dad's for a dinner. my stepmom and grandma were there. he was in his house on morris. it was night, lightning flashed in the west. a storm was coming. I left the house with my husband. we walked outside and to a house party of someone we didn't know. i was thinking over something my T had said. at the party a black guy began to aske me questions- who was he? where was I? and more empowering questions (for him). I suddenly had a thought-it wasn't the abuse i missed as bad as the feeling of being controlled. I liked and missed someone who would take control of me.

I thought of elton and his questions. So youre married? We were too young to actively take control the way Jesse did. I was happy things got a little clearer. we left the party. then I had my dad's xmas tree and was dragging it around. there was another bigger tree on the curb leaned up a wall. I put the tree up next to the other tree.

the park with a bridge. I crossed the street and wanting to see the water below. it was a fast moving creek in a river bed. even through it was dusk many people were till in the water. i sat on the grassy bank and put my hand in the water. it was fast moving and warm. no wonder the people still swam.

I crossed the bridge back over. i want to muy dad's house. aunt carol, was there. there was pizza 2 cooked slices and a cheese pizza no sauce uncooked there. there was cornbread, greenbeans.

I was happy i figured out something that had been bothering me. I fixed my plate and my husband wanted me to make him some quesadillas. I gave him my pizza instead.

5. my stepmom was talking about pictures and gave me some of my son when dinner was over. I told her i would bring my albums next time so they could see the pictures of when sergio was a baby.

6. Lightning and thunder outside. Then rain

2006-07-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

my dream porcupine, deer, ostrich

1. I was in my mothers backyard. there a deer, ostrich and porcupine all lived. the deer and porcupine were wild. The porcupine became angry and shot quills into the throat/neck of the ostrich just below his head. and into the side of the deer's face.

2. days later the ostrich was dying, he couldn't eat or drink anything due to the quills. the deer turned into a pony.

3. On a holiday sunday i called the vet.he said he would be out tuesday. tj and my mother talked to him for me. but still he would come out on tuesday.

4. I walked into columned room. there were 3 little coffins on stands. there were asian diplomats there. the american diplomats gave each coffin a minature american flag. they were dogs that died in a dogfight.

5. my mother (not actual) was dressed up. we were given 3 stone necklaces. My mother gave hers to one dog that didn't have as much on top of his coffin.

6. Then there was a timed drawing contest. to draw blood red roses bordering a page with a blue background and green leaves. I drew it. but time was up as i was coloring it in.

7. I was still proud of my picture. I had progressed alot more than others.

8. I was in my teenage room. i had my computer. and my picture.

9. someone had got the vet to come. I went out to the field and the quills in my slippers. the ostrich was dead, it laid in a deflated heap at the botton of the white fence. Peptobismol made the porcupine sleep. we gave it some concealed in meat so the vet could de-quill it. it woke up before the vet could get to it.

10. i was in my room finishing coloring my rose. I seen a blimp outside and got binoculars to see it better. then a plane wrote something to me in the sky. east.

I will be direct.

1. YOU GOT TO TRUST STRANGERS IF YOURE TO SUCEED

2. YOU GOT TO BE.......

I woke up with a start after reading the last sentence.

2006-07-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

So I posted my story of abuse. it was harder to write than i thought it would be. It was harder to read and edit the names and stuff. I admitted to things I could not verbalize to anyone. I feel stronger. I got positive supportive feedback.

My son is back to being his old self today and its such a relief!

I felt nervous posting my personal story of abuse on the internet, so many horror stories come to mind....but its happened so long ago nothing can be done about it and i'm at the point where I had to tell someone all thats happened. Its emotionally draining but it feels soo empowering also. Its no longer a secret the whole internet world knows.-um not really a thought i like to think about but at least someone else knows.

I dreamed of preparing food last night/early this morning since it took me all night to edit, reread adn reread it and push the button to post it.

Well happy 4th of July!! and hope everyting is well.

2006-07-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

what I would have said if i had talked, it always comes After the meeting on the way home.
so i went to another AA meeting. it was a large group and by the time I thought of something i might say it wss over. I did introduce myself to some people Lee from the morning group was there. I met Jill. Most of them go to other groups. Serenity really riles people up from what i gather.

I would have said something like this
the heart of sobriety-the days topic to me is the beginning. It starts within the heart. I'm here to change my mindset on drinking. I found i got to change the way i feel about drinking in my heart and mind to stop drinking completely.
I got to be openn about other options and come in here with an open heart and mind.

2006-07-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

my dream I was in a far away land, with fields
1. we caught a baby brown diamond back snake and took it home
2. 3 snakes this one a red one and a green all head to head non strikeing
3. cleaning my mothers house
4. a boat onthe black top at sergios school
5. pat and paul making chocolate fudge

2006-07-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

My dream uh ohhhh:
1. i was in a store/hospital waiting to see a newborn baby boy. (my nephews baby) I had read to him when he was in his moma's tummy.
2. the proud daddy wheeled him out in his baby bed, running with the cart very fast.
3. we took him out of the hospital without the mother or the nurses knowing.
4. I was going to a park in Delhi with a river in it. the baby was very smart and loving. we communicated telepathically. I asked if he remembered me reading to him he said no.
i said he would remember the story with a funny feeling he's heard it before.
5. we were in a store, Liberity market. my lil bro Paul was playing with some dogs outside. then he brought them in the car. he had two of my new shirts and was playing tug of war with the dogs with them. I scolded him and got my shirts back.
6. since we took the baby unexpectedly we didn 't have a car seat adn i held the baby while my sis in law and mother got in on either side of me.
7. At home Matias and a friend of his came in the house and asked a favor, would i read what a letter said for them? i said yes, it was a letter of instructions on how to play a cd in the stereo.
8. then martin and them planned on going to the movies and getting something to eat. except me and martin would wait outside for them.
after a while martin went in the crowded foodmaxx like store and i stayed outside with their pet parrot. it talked spanish. and danced to mexican music
9. then it was locked in the car alone in the heat. i pulled down the window and coaxed it on my hand. where it shit. damn.
10. afternoon, sunny. then i was in town, by golden state off the freeway. i wanted to follow the train tracks to the park since they ran along it. so baby and all we started to walk alongside the tracks. the single tracks had been repaired so now there were 3 different tracks inline. A train came on one. Oh the baby's first train! i wanted to take pictures but my brother beat me to it.
11. we stayed far from the train on the bank. then followed the tracks to delhi. there we came to a 4 way stop. i seen the rest of the family in a white minivan and waved them down. i had forgotten it was a 5 mile stretch to the park and my feet already hurt and i was hot and tired.

12. crossing guards were at the intersection and questioned why they would want to pick up a stranger. not wanting to give our relationship away, they said others had done the same. and they were allowed to continue

13. i was in the van holding the baby. we talked back and forth excitedly telepathically. he cooed and made baby noises. and smiled oh he was a happy baby. he was already at 7 lbs when he was born and as big as a 3 month old. he was dressed in a onsie.

14. at the park there was a water volleyball game going on in the river and many picnickers.
and the park ranger all dressed in green.

15. I went to the water's edge and then back to the picnickers. someone handed me my horoscope. i went through it as it read. I would try to go all the way by the railroad tracks takiing the parents and the baby. a long train would come when the bank was close to the tracks. the mother and father were huddled a aways up the bank safely in an indention. i was on ground level with the train and had the baby. i put him behind me in the grass and leaned into it. protecting him from the passing train. he was crying out in fear. i was scared too. what were we doing there?
after coming to, i went to my sis inlaw and told her that the next day i didnt want anyone to be by the tracks. she agreed.

16. The volleyball game had finished. a boy Trent Larson i had always played with was now about 15 and was asked to help take down the net. he said sure no problem. i had a bad feeling about it but before i could stop him he was already inthe water by a post. he was to untie the rope while an automatic winder wound it up. as soon as he went under to untie the rope the boy started the winder. it pulled tight and and snapped and came up with a hook on the end. I screamed NO!
and the other boy screamed out with me. Trent floated up the top with the thick rope wrapped tightly around his neck many times. the boy ran for the adults. an old seaman came and pulled the rope tighter, saying he was dead now if he wasn't before and there was nothing else to do for him. I was crying. it was so sad. the family had just lost their father a couple months earlier. he couldn't be dead, it was a movie, he was an actor, no then why is the family greiving so? where is he?
they lived in a small white house in my neighborhood. suddenly we were outside the little house and formed 2 lines one for women and the other for men. we solomnly walked through the neighborhood as other church groups joined in the march.
we ended at their house in Trent's room painted wakefield school colors turqouise and white. it was the room of a little boy. I cried harder when i seen the dinosaur he was holding when we first met years ago, all his pictures and toys now wrapped in plastic and neatly stacked.
the cieling was turquoise, the walls white with sloppy turquoise borders. we sat on the floor like a kindergarden class.

the room was small and all the people were older than i was the family came in and asked if we would sign a guest book. they asked if i wanted to go to another room where there weren't so many old hippies. I said no and felt my place was to be greiving with them, not playing outside with children my age.
the book skipped a person sitting next to me and got handed to me. i found my name Amy S on a embossed gold label and signed under it. i started to cry all over again. I knew the park wouldn't ever be the same without him. He was my good friend we grew up together.
a doctor in a white lab coat was sitting next to me i knew him, but forgot his name. he asked me to help find his page in the book. i looked through it and found no page that read dr ------- i went through the deceased father's guest book, remembering all the pages. I noticed on Trent's book they had made it covering the pages with colored paper and pasting pictures and drawing on it.
I flipped through the book agian hoping to find the doctors name. I found a doc ---- but it was already signed. i showed him the page. he asked you dont remember my name? no i admitted. he said it was doctor Wallabe.
then we found a small tan card with his name on it in the front. i felt more conforted but started crying again at the sadness of it all. a life was lost due to ill timing.

2006-07-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

Ever find out what your family or friends really do on the internet? Some things i just dont want to know. But it did turn up a common thread within me and my brothers.
1. we all like bloody horror movies.
2. we all can take real blood and gore
3. we were all drawn to it in our own ways, me by being a nurse in the surgical section of the hospital and them by looking up gorey accident pictures on the internet and sharing them.

4. there's just something about blood or being grotesque and 'my type' of abuse victims. its not exactly a turn on but somewhere in that category. It gets our blood running.
its not like we want to go out and harm people or ourselves but just the subject itself has an attraction to it.
I just found out my new associate talks about accidents and blood in the same way. well its nice to have things in common with people. something we all understand.
I try to very fakely act the girlie part and say ewww gross and we all laugh, knowing my reaction isn't true and I want to see the pictures just as bad as they do.
5. we all doctor our own cuts, selves unless we were very seriously ill or hurt. for instance my brother fell off his motorcycle while driving it and got all skinned up and only seen the doc once and didn't go back even when his vein went flat and it looked nasty.

Ever get edited on the internet for being too graphic? doesn 't that just sound awful? i have been. on a picky message board,, oh its too triggering to some to talk about real stuff and thats the whole problem with the world today. No one wants to face reality and for a few picky old hags we cant say shit on here.

I just noticed a problem i have with my 3d friends. I cant be myself around them. I am scared they wont like me for me. Or even the people on my space, where i can see their pictures. I just can't be myself even under a different name I can't be me. and really thats my problem this week. I just cant be me and it all builds up until i get irritable and have nothing to say. cause i really dont know how to express whats going with me to someone whos known me for a long time but still dont really know anything about me. How do you back up and say that one time when we lost contact was because i was raped a long time ago and had to deal with some trigger?

2006-07-02T01:03:00.000-07:00

This may be triggering for some....but really it helped me so i got to post it where i would see it again. besides i dont think anyone reads these things anyways.

Cutting warning label....WARNING....before you make that first cut remember. You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily ...they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal!!! And years for the scars to fade! IF you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again...it will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and covering up cutting And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gaping....and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone...praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again...But you will and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get. You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20 , 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips...3 or four different kinds of dressings...betadine....antibiotic cream..medical tape..scar reducers.....You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies...someone who understands but of course that never happens.Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands , boots... gloves..the list goes on and on. You will start looking at everyone in a differnent way...Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI... just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it ..as your eyes scan their wrists arms...hoping just hoping they will be like you....But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood..Scrubbing your bathroom floor...wiping the blood of your keyboard....You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergancies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch. Beacuase you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease."You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.. You will dream about cutting...you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting...at the same time you love it and can not live with out of it.you have been warned.....

2006-07-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

So I'm making a time line of my life. why i dont know. It just seems right to have a life story. I'm settling in to this new blogging stuff. I'm becoming more and more accepting of my alcoholism althrough I feel alot of resistance going to a crowded meeting.
my dream:

i was going to Matts house. it was in the flat country, to the west of turlock. Martin was driving. it was rainning hard. the fields began to pool with excess water. we came up to a small bridge over a once small creek. it was a raging river and flowing over the bridge we slowly and carefully crossed. I wondered if they would close the road and how would we get back?

Matt had just bought a new house and we moved in together. he was happy and healthy. it was in the country and water pooled where the yard i went outside and took pictures of the water.

2006-06-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

So these last couple weeks me and my husband have been getting more and more distant. Today we went to the next town and back with nothing to say to each other. He asked what did they tell me at AA? I told him laughingly 'to quit drinking' he's never one for a joke. He said to get my tape recorder and tape Dont drink over and over again and not attend anymore. I thought at least he would be happy i wanted to quit drinking. not the case and my hopes are dashed once again. after all he's the one complaining about it all the time and reason my T thinks i'm an alcoholic cause its a problem with him.
So as soon as i got on meds that impede me from drinking. He starts drinking. and offers it to me in front of others and then pulls it away laughing. sometimes he's not very nice.

He's mad at me right now cause money is tight and somehow he blames me for it.

2006-06-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

For one I'm bipolar. Ups and downs for me last for a day or up to one week. This week i'm down after a week of being up. I hate the down feelings coming on and I know i wont be as happy as I was enjoying. its a dreaded feeling, i always try to run from.
Alcohol was a good coping mechanism when i was a teenager. Now its becoming more of a problem than I'd like to admit. I dont drink anymore, only drank once this year but its due to the meds I'm taking can't be mixed with alcohol, not exactly by my choice. So deep down I dont want to quit. It shouldn't be a problem its simple if i dont want to quit, I dont have to. But then why does it bother me so much now?

2006-06-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

NO DISNEYLAND :( :( We decided my son is too sick to go to disneyland with his cousin. Damn chicken pox! Four times. four F-ing times and it had to be now, not last week or next week when nothing was going on, no it has to be during the week of the great summer trip.
I'm crying and feeling probably worse about than my son, he might be too sick to feel much worse.

2006-06-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

For every up there is a down. I had an awesome week last week so this week my son comes down with chicken pox 4 days before his Disneyland trip. How can you tell an 11 year old he has to miss the trip of a lifetime cause he's sick? Its just not fair. Why now? why not next week when nothing is going on?

He's soaking in an oatmeal bath. its supposed to help dry out the blisters. any other good remedies?

2006-06-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today I am getting more confident and feeling good. I'm getting past not trusting the feeling. I got to put the negative behind me. its time to start looking ahead and seeing how good the future will be.

2006-06-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

The last weekend went great I went to the concert with my son. it was great! it was very hot and sunny. my son didn't complain once. lots of white trash people there, well free concerts you get what you pay for. but the singers were great! one girl showed her boobs to everyone and my son looked away.

Father's day I went to San Jose with my husband and Aunt had a great luncheon and then we went shopping. i got a nice hair clip. my husband got a couple shirts.

then the next day I went to a shoe sale and bought four pairs of sandals. all half off.

My family wrote some letters back and forth to each other. I got copies to see how they react to things. outlook isn't good. I think its better to keep things to myself than expose my vulnerablities to venomous people.

2006-06-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

Ok I've been trying to write on here and nothing seems to come out right. Today I feel good. Happy for no reason in particular. Friday Friday!!!! Fridays are fun. Meeting tonite and things will go great.

My family took to writing hate letters to each other and I got to read them. a real downer. It was exhausting just reading them. I'm so glad i'm not involved.

This weekend I'm going to a country concert and to san Jose. it should keep me busy and hopefully i can meet new people. I tried the Myspace thing out. Its a little hard to make friends there. Its definitely not like the message boards.

2006-06-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

Thr trip to my brothers went great! I trusted Brian a little more, after all he now knows all my family and somethings are hard to hide. I left the issue if something had been going on between me and my stepdad up in the air. I dont know anything about setting boundaries but it seemed a little too personal. After all if he turns out not liking me who knows what he'll do with the information. Its better to tell you my readers than someone I actually know and might someday trust.

I read a post that set me off so much i think i will have to talk to my T about it. its about being transgender. I never thought of it myself, but i do have an alter who is male and i like being around guys more than women. I dont know if I am or not or maybe i just know more about men than women. i feel like a freak in person around women. but here on the net is better and I do have some female friends. Life is so confusing.

2006-06-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

Good news! No great news! 1. my mother isn't coming up to my brothers house this weekend afterall. 2. My business is picking up and I'm in control of it. I went on my 1st business appt today and it went great. I'm still not going alone but its a great start. 3. I get to see my older brother saturday. 4. i'm putting on a baby shower tomorrow.

Life is so hard, its great to talk positive and have good things happen for once.

2006-05-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to visit my brother in the beautiful California Somona Valley. everything is soo green up there. Its so beautiful. I was calmer than before and really connected with him on alot of things. He is my older brother by 10 years. My mother disowned him and so I didn't really ever get to really know how he really is. I really feel my anxiety is getting under control. All the meds I take are really working.

a letter my damn mother sent to my brother set a black cloud over the week-shes coming up next weekend. I held back alot and was soon laughing again about the things my family does. My brother always knows how to make me laugh.

He takes things with ease-well easier than I do anyways. He's going through so much with his illness and family. I dont know how he can cope so well. I learn alot about life from him. I learned tolerance and forgiveness and realizing some people in life may never understand what sexaul abuse destroys in a person. I cry all the way to the freeway, goodbyes are never easy for me and saying goodbye to him, not knowing when or if I'll ever see him again gets to me.

2006-05-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

I did go to Reno, NV for the wedding. It all went well. Except at the end some friends got in an car accident on the way home. Only one fractured neck and the rest were ok, shooken up badly but ok. Two caring nurses stopped and helped. We were so grateful. True I was a CNA, to tell the truth I completely forgot i was a nurse and was as shocked as everyone else. My level of nursing didn't include acute trauma or tending to cuts.

Lately I've been feeling great and I dont even feel guilty about it. I guess I am bi polar seeing that only not even 2 weeks ago I was ready to give it all up. I just can't. I tried to but something in me is just too strong. My dreams my goals are too connected to me now.

I got to remember this world is nicer than I imagined and there are good people out there among the bad ones.

2006-05-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

I had a great birthday celebration last weekend. There was a first communion in the family and so there was a big reception on Saturday which included a live band and dancing. my favorites. Sunday was a nice quiet day at the park, we stayed all day just like I wanted to. Well it wasn't too quiet once everyone came there were about 40 people there.

It was fun and I felt great. I only spaced out a couple times and unfortunately people noticed and asked if I was ok. I was of course. it was a day where nothing went as I had planned but it turned out beautiful anyways. My plans are always in pencil anyways, changes always happen.

This weekend hopefully I'm going to Nevada for a wedding. It should be great, we are going with others so its always an if. I'll keep you posted. I'm so excited I love traveling especially when someone else drives. lol.

2006-04-16T21:11:00.000-07:00

Easter went great, as easter goes. No egg hunt this year, my son is getting too old but we did color eggs, for some reason. lol. Tomorrow is a new and a new week. I'm feeling stronger and more like doing things after feeling so down and depressed all week. I guess I am bipolar, the doc says I am, but I didn't want to believe it as I dont have the common hollywood episodes. my bipolar is more depressive and not hardly at all manic. I dont have alot of alone time anymore. Its hard to concentrate on healing this way.

2006-04-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

Spring is here! Squirt our turtle came out of hibernation today.

2006-04-13T23:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten this place again. I've just been going through some tough , todatimes, like my previous post said. I'm looking for a job in retail still. I talked it over with my husband about going back to nursing and we decided no. He's scared it might relapse me. I don't want to go down that road again if I dont have to. I almost didn't survive the first time around.

I do feel better now, today. My son started soccer so i'm calling myself a soccer mom. I want to start over on somethings in my life. I just feel so bad having to give on anything, closing the door. I'm too much of a 'stick it out no matter what person' to give up on things. but this just isn't working in my career, but changing it may not solve the problem either, since the common factor is me. and I have so many problems. I for now will leave it as it is and maybe time will sort things out.

2006-04-08T16:19:00.002-07:00

Its with a sad heavy heart I got to give up on my hope and dreams. The last time I tired it it nearly killed me. I cant go on like this anymore there's various reasons. I just drug it out too long. And without hope or dreams there no more reason to struggle and heal or try to make a better life. I quit. I give up. There's nothing more to go on. I just realized I'm not the type of person that can make them happen. I'm not an outgoing people person nor will I ever be. Sometimes trust is broken too many times. Happy Anniversary

2006-04-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

Yay! I got my poem published on someone else's website! Searching is such a moving poem. I'm happy. Success in no matter how little form. I recieved a letter from American League of Poets which is worse than Poetry.com in that they dont even give out 'vanity' books they just as steve miller says 'take the money and run'. I have alot to learn online but if its what it takes to be great. I gotta learn to make mistakes and take the burnt of them.

NOT EASY for me. I dont see it as a mistake since i did get my books from poetry.com and I do feel good seeing my work in print. I dont want it in some magazine as all the magazines who promote the 'scam websites' say to do. as in dont go to them come with us. well now who's to say whats true? For me it worked and I'm taking it as a start-the real money comes in whole books, which i need a couple more poems to finish. I want at least 100 poems.

Anyways back to mistakes. I dont like to make em. I dont even like typos or incomplete words. to many abbreviations spoil the writting. I even find typo's in books and its ugh just one of my pet peeves. If youre going to write, write well or not at all. especially if its going to be published.

2006-04-05T23:16:00.000-07:00

I feel so agitated and tense. get back a med I stopped taking. I like meds. I think its the one of the things that helped me get through and over my depression. The kind and understanding people I met on the boards helped a great deal also along with a couple friends.

It so easy to turn things around and act like everything is ok and I'm better'n fine. But deep down there's a nagging that everything isn't fine

and knows its all just an act. Like all acts this one
too will end and then I will be alone again with only myself and my feelings of frustration and worthlessness.

I have learned alot in the past couple years. I can better connect with people, talk better and have a better idea what I want out of life. I have come along way since the time i almost killed myself in 2002. Yet there seems to be so much more to cover. Life the never ending winding road. lol.

Here's some more of my pictures of spring.

2006-03-30T22:04:00.000-08:00

This week I hit a lull and went downward. For one day nothing went right. To top it off I found my old handwritten journal that I wrote when I was really down, suicidal. It got me even more depressed.

I feel better today, still feeling a little worthless. I'm scared to know if I can hold down a job yet. I'm edging closer and closer to working. All my jobs so far have what I fear the most, I thought it was making me stronger. I didn't realize it was further traumatizing me. I want something low key and definitely not a profession that deals with people. (for now anyways).

Monday I'm going to get some applications. My husband thinks the type I want to look for of work is beneath me, I am qualifed to do more, better paying jobs. For starters through, I want something slow and 'mindless' so to speak, a linen place is looking for people to fold clothes. it sounds ideal for me.

I'm glad my low moods dont get very low or last very long, this week is the lowest I've been all year. I'm already coming out of it.

2006-03-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

I took a couple pictures of the first flowers of spring with my camera phone.

I really like how this one turned out.

A joyful bunch!

They look like marshmellows. I like how they look 3D.

Early bloomers from a distance!

Another angle of the joyful bunch

I love this type of succlent, it always looks like its flowering.

My first spring rose bud!

Super Star!

an aloe vera plant

Flowers in the rough are tough!

Great Aspirations

I love Spring! I love the greeness and all the flowers! The beautiful calm weather not hot or cold, nor windy. I have so many happy memories of riding my pony, the breeze blowing through my hair as we're galloping through the fields of tall grass and wildflowers.

I'm a Taurus. I was born in the Spring and I would like to die in the spring-a time of new beginnings. Death would be a new beginning.

2006-03-27T21:45:00.000-08:00

Free Birds-a lost entry

A flying bird is the symbol of freedom for most. As I sit here writing this I see the ducks swim in the pond-ever watchful of danger, like me. A duck, a bird that can fly, swim, and walk-a free bird but ever cautious ever watchful. I wonder does it ever break down under anxiety and depression like I do?

The answer is no, a bird will spend its whole life living working, struggling to survive without for one minute stopping to feel for itself. Its the human emotions-the stopping, analyzing-the looking back and questioning tht brings on guilt, frustration and worry. Animals fortunately have very short memories. They live in the present moment. For them there is no yesterday or tomorrow. There is only a place to rest and the next meal. They don't worry about yesterday if they had missed a wing beat or weren't fast enough fo be able to catch their food-What got away doesn't matter to them-All that matters is that they're still hungry and must again try to catch food or they will perish.

Some think of freedom as an open plain an endless horizon, of wild mustangs running free, of doing what they want, when they want, having the time and money to do so.
To me freedom is feeling at peace within myself and to feel I have a rightful part of this world and of all in it. Freedom is actually only an entertained illusion.

2006-03-26T23:49:00.000-08:00

There's so much I want to do in life. So many things I want to see and do. Yet the days go by and I dont do them. I dont even work. I almost signed up at RAINN for a speaking engagement-then I remembered I can't even tell my T about my experience how am I going to tell a reporter or room full of people?

Talking and writting are two different worlds to me due to my dissociative disorder. Anyways I noticed, especially this week, a shift in the writer in me. I feel more at ease, more confident. True these times come and go, especially in my bipolar world, but anymore it seems the good times are lasting longer. I feel a major shift when my down days come and just hate getting caught up in feeling anxious and worthless.

I promised myself this year I would work more on being me. I got to be more open and clear. I got to feel at home inside myself, before I do anything. otherwise it will all fall through like everything else has.

I've also been practicing acceptance. Of myself. I never accepted myself. before I always seen myself as inadequate. I'm learning to accept me for who I am and that I can't and shouldn't be expected to handle everything all the time 24/7. Before I was more than happy to do it all myself and my husband for his own reasons loves to let me take on all the responsibility.

I once read a book where a guy who stutters applied for a job. it was a customer service position and he was asked if his stuttering would impend him from talking. He responded with it was not a problem for him, why would anyone else care? What a great way to look at things. Then I noticed I am the one who wasn't comfortable with my speech problem, not others. Most think its a foreign accent and are interested to know where I'm from. I am still hitting my head on the proverbial brick wall on this one. I just keep coming up with the same answers.

1. i could lie and tell them I'm from a foreign country. That only makes me more uncomfortable and then they know I'm a liar.

2. I could tell them the truth by giving them my life story. I dont trust anyone that much.

3. Any suggestions on what I could tell them?

2006-03-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

This week I learned:

There are people out there who will accept me for who and what I am, or feel I am.
so I only need to deal with those feelings myself. Which I learned I have a challenge with.

I'm learning to speak up, set boundaries and tolerate people I clash with. I need alot more practice. This time though I'm proud to say there was no loss of communication or upsets.

I'm in the process of learning about myself. I wrote down what I remember so far about my abusive past, and it didn't throw me for a loop, but it did bring me down a notch or two. I'm getting to where I can admit my past is traumatic and abusive. Its starting to seep into who I am just a little bit.

Its interesting with my feelings and my dissociative disorder. I can admit to my feelings in writting, but in the 3D world I'm about a year behind in telling my therapist about my revelations. I still can't talk about it directly or to anyone else. I found how much I trust the person has alot to do with it. And also how they react to things. People reacting in a caring manner is just too painful.

I wanted this journal to be positive and truthful. And it is, so why does it feel so strange? It feels like another front I put up for people. Maybe cause I'm not used to being this close to anyone. I've been opening up more around my 3D friends and so far its been great. None know of my past. I'm getting to the point where I want to share it. Afterall if they're ever going to be good friends they should know whats my main focus in life.

2006-03-25T17:14:00.000-08:00

More about me

Today I woke by my husband touching my hand. It always scares me being woken up by someone touching me but today I was glad cause I was having a really bad nightmare of being raped. I've always had nightmares ever since I could remember.I made a new friend today. We met on the boards and we have alot in common. I'm glad I can now reach out and make friends on the internet. Its still a challenge in the 3D world but with enough practice I hope to one day have lots and lots of supportive and understanding friends.So fellow bloggers what is a good friend? How do you know?

One of my problems is I haven't had friends in the past, I have had what I like to think of as Nice Enemies-People who were my friend to get something they wanted from me for their own reasons. I didn't matter in the relationship it was what I could do for them. I wasn't close to them and they could care less about what happened to me. It was all just an illusion I let myself believe.

Is it any wonder why I felt so bad at one time I tried to kill myself? I understand death and suicide. I know my reasons why I wanted to do it and I can't say that it was regretful or foolish. For some reason (maybe there is a God and a plan for me) I lived. Then I secretly planned to let my enemies do me in.

When my neighbor commited suicide a year later I understood why and didn't ask the typical questions. Sometimes hope and faith run out at the same time and if there isn' enough support on the other side its just you and yourself and a hurricane of feelings. Everything gets distorted in those winds and all I wanted was for it all to stop in anyway possible.

I use a hurricane analogy cause thats what depression is like. I was in the eye of the storm and no one on the outside could reach me. My husband would say I love you and it meant nothing to me. Words had no meaning, concepts were like learning Japanese. Whole sentences didn't make any sense. Individually I knew the dictionary meaning of the words, but they didn't mean anything to me and the string of words together made no sense at all. I never understood why they always linked reading and comprehension together. To me if you could read the words you understood them, until I had my major depressive episode in 2002. I knew i could read, but I didn't understand anything.

Its taken alot and I mean alot of hard self work to get where I am today. I can't say I'm back to where I was before cause that life is gone. In a way I did die when I tried to commit suicide. Instead I think of my life as being paralleled with the old one. I learned so much about myself and others through my days of healing. I'm not the same person I was, nor will I ever be. Instead I think I'm a more complete person.

I'm not a close to death-and-seen-the-light survivor story no, not in any way. Its taken up till this year to get rid of the feelings of suicide. I was lucky my husband made get help and I found a good therapist, who after seeing what I was going through, jumped in the eye of the hurricane with me and was the only stable thing I could hold on to. I barely feel I've come out of my depression and I still have my down days. I am on alot of medication which i take regliously. The medication helped me, I dont think I could be where I am without it.

Through all this I also found out I'm bipolar. I dont have the manic part of it just the depressive ups and downs. (which I ask wouldn't it just be depression? The experts say no) Its so easy to write and read about it. But feeling it is like being loosely tied in on a loopy very fast roller coaster in pitch blackness. Its so true- when things got going I've had to hold onto the grass to keep from falling of the face of the earth.

2006-03-25T17:11:00.000-08:00

The world is easier to tell than family

Alot has happened in my life since last year. I found out I have a form of PTSD that is also linked with a Dissociative disorder. That explains a lot of things in my life like when i get in the car to go somewhere and in the middle of the trip forget where i was going and why I was going there.Its a little hard for me to believe i wrote so much publicly about my life before. I'm glad I did it through. Its great to feel I have a voice and use it. Sometimes the hard things need to be said and heard um err read. I haven't told anyone close to me, the whole world is easier to tell than family.

I thought of telling one family member i was getting close to but she refused to keep things private if it was serious, and for me even if it happened so many years ago its serious. So I had to scratch her off and turn once again to my online friends.

I wrote 2 poems and got them published since i last posted and am thinking about writting a book of poetry but I dont know if I want my life's pain out in the world. Maybe later on in time....

Tonite I just got back from an art reception where my son (11) won an award for an underwater picture. It was so nice and organized. I had a good time.I'm having trouble posting and having this blogged. sorry if there are any repeats

2006-03-25T17:07:00.000-08:00

When Bloggers Write...

Well when bloggers write, what goes through our minds?

Do we already know what and how we will blog when we sit down?

Do we let it come as we sit down and unwind, or wind up?

Do we write as a hobby or for ourselves or for fame?

Do we write to keep a thought like a picture for memory or do we write to get the memories out of our heads?

I''m split on it. I sit to write to wind down from my day with people and wind up to my time with dealing with myself.I seem to have 'hurdles' that stop me. Things like I have to know what I'm going to write about before I can begin and once that is found out the real feeling pieces seem freed to be written, but not a moment before. Its an anxiety thing. I worry alot of what i'm going to say, go blank when the moment comes and I found its easier to have something in mind to lean on as a springboard.

Getting started is the hardest part for me. there are hard parts for everyone. some getting through it, some finishing, and some just starting. I'm a good perservere'er and finisher, i'm not at all a good starter.

I write for me. Its my main form of communication. The rest I'm too nervous around the people not to make them mad, ruin the situation, or mainly dont care about their petty ideals. I've had a hard life. I dont care about which way the toilet paper is turned on the hanger or if the toilet seat is up or down, hell as long as there IS toilet paper and a toilet seat, i'm just fine. Talking to me is something that has to be done to live and interact with people. Its not about me, its all about them. How they percieve me, if i could make them react, laugh, feel better. Talking about me is scary. I dont like to talk about myself.

I was asked to just write, to not call it anything, not a poem, a diary or journal. Point blank, deer in the headlights. write. So of course my mind is blank.

Go. Write. but dont write about nothing just write. how can you write without knowing what to write?

2006-03-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

Metaphors of Life

ok, so whats some of your metaphors for life? Life is.................like.....

.'a box of chocolates'
a bowl of cherries
a dance
a hurricane
death never-ending war
a desolate land of destruction
eggshells
crystal
china dishes
ming vases
a gift
a yearning
a lonliness
a relentless rain
the moutains in springtime
a walk in the rain
a sinking ship
a money pit
a wasted journeyquicksand
drowning on dry land
get old then die
well maybe you can make up a few-in metaphors what is life like?

2006-03-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

Me a Mother

Written on mother's day May 2005

Happy Mother's day to all the mothers and mothers to be out there. Minus of course my own mother, whom i haven't contacted in over 5 years, but we wont get into that now.

A brief timeline of my life- 1994-May i turned 18-
May 17 i found out i was pregnant-june I graduated high school and got kicked out of my mothers house-worked
july-dec-My brother told me he was gay and had AIDES-aunts boy friend dies-had baby

-april of 95 got married, started on paperwork for husband-may 96 bought house, turned 19, started studying medical transcription, rapist back in life

-feb 97 met my inlaws in mexico, stayed 1 month, 1st plane ride

-feb 98 started volunteering as a phlebomoist iin HIV clinic, got to become a HIV counselor-to face my fears of talking to (anyone about sex) men alone in a room for 20-45 min

-feb 99-feb 02 got into nursing as a CNA had a 5 yr plan to be a registered nurse but it fell through, stayed a CNA
-feb 01 financial services----------- -----------------------------------------------------------feb 02 miscarriage of 2nd baby--- -------------------more later

oct 24,02 met my Therapist

I found out I was going to be a mother on May 17, 1994. I was 18 yrs old, a senior in high school, and a day before the senior trip to Disneyland. I had never been to Disneyland before and had waited all year for the trip. I was sick the whole time, throwing up. the bus ride didn't help any. the whole time i only thought of what was I going to do?I had suspected before i went to a clinic that I was pregnant, but the news hit me like a ton of bricks. They was the most terrifying words i ever heard. The nurses were concerned about my reaction so much they wanted me to stay and refer me to suicide counseling right then. But I denied it.It was a difficult pregnancy. I told no one except my husband.

In june after i graduated my mom began to suspect and threw me out of Her house. I was lucky my boyfriend took me in. I would have been on the street if it wasn't for him. It wasn't my plan, which was to abort and get on the first bus that would take the furthest with the $300 I had. Still with my then boyfriend (now husband), i was determined not to weigh him down and I was in no way having kids. So I talked him into letting me abort. We talked lenghtly about it, it was for the best, the world was too cruel....and my argument eventually won over. and I picked up the phone and in the middle of making the appointment I realized I couldn't go through with it and just hung up.

My pregnancy was like strong cramps that never let up and being pregnant i couldn't take anything for them. I threw up very often. And the shame, no one before knew of my sexuality, now being pregnant everyone knew i had sex. well at barely 18 it was a big thing. Maybe thats why I still dont ever want to be pregnant again. My boyfriend was very supportive, sometimes taking days off work in the beginning to drive me to appts, and sometimes was just there for me. Of all I learned, I didn't learn about body changes, chemical body changes, or lamaze, so many times all I knew was we were going to face whatever this thing was together. other times especially toward the end of my pregnancy i just cried of the pain and told him to kill me cause i couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to breathe to have the baby and like anything i held my breath...

During this pregnancy I learned to speak spanish cause no one in my new home spoke english. I learned a whole new culture and traditions and respect of others and a family life that was so different from my abusive family. I only knew 3 cousins and 1 brother and an uncle of my boyfriend at the time. His family was in Mexico. I had become part of the family without knowing/meeting them. all I knew was the ones I did know treated me and each other better than my family had treated me and thats all I had to go on.

I learned to work -I had a job as a temp at a retail store in which i walked to and from till my boyfriend got another car and then I worked at jack in the box. I learned to drive, going to all my dr appointments and to work. The baby was due on Jan 15. I tried to hide my pregancy for the most part and finally 'forgave' my family and came around them again. I didn't get a baby shower. Two events happened right before xmas that I believe caused me to have him early one- my older brother called and told me he has AIDES and is gay. The other has to do with an aunts boyfriend who unexpectedly died of natural causes the day after we all seen him. My mother insisted I go with her to console my aunt.

I had my son on december 29. Its been 10 years ago. a whole decade. Still i spent alot of time when he was a baby, just thinking, I'm a mother, I'm his mother, I have a son... I'm a mom. I was embarrassed of being a mother -that everyone knew i had sex, of having a baby. .He calls me Moma. I like that better than mom. its his word for me. Up until this year it still sometimes took me by surprize-I'm a mother.I am no longer alone with him in my life. I tell him everyday how proud I am of him and how much I love him. He is my cherished gift. All children are, but to me more so cause I came so close to throwing it all away. and just as i'm writting this paragraph, my son woke up and came in here to hug me and he wandered back out to bed.

Maybe you would say then surely I'd be against abortion. No I'm not. I understand my scared feelings of an 18 yr old, kicked out and pregnant and not everyone is as lucky as me to have a supportive boyfriend. Its a decision only a woman can decide for herself. Sometimes my son askes me why I had him and i tell him so i could love him and play with him and so I wouldn't be alone anymore. I tell him I love that he is always happy, thats why i picked out his name-a usually happy go lucky name- and I tell him how much I love his name.My mother promised even before he was born that she would tell him I didn't want him (she dont know about the almost abortion). And when he gets big enough I will tell him our story.

For me being a mother changed my life completely. In a way it was the end of the world as I had thought as a teenager, but it was the beginning of a much better world than the one I left behind. My son was an easy baby, sleeping alot and seldom crying. A boy like i wanted. Happy like I wanted. sometimes I wonder if I got him just as I wanted so I could see what a great gift I almost threw away.

I had someone to spend the day with, someone to shop with, to laugh with. Has it all been easy? No. He's just worth it. I tell him also that no matter who he becomes, what color his hair, or anything i will always love him and he can live with me as long as he wants. Maybe forever I dont care. Becoming a mother was one of the scarriest, painfulest best moments of my life. I'm so glad, my husband supported me all that time and that I dont have any regrets about my decision to become a mother. I couldn't have had a better kid. Yesterday i spent most of the day at a park, just me and my son. I got to teach him to play badmitten, and to hit a ball with a bat. It was such a great day.

2006-03-25T16:43:00.000-08:00

i dont know what to put on here anymore

I cant think of anything to put in this blog. I guess cause I know its public and I'm not sure how much about me I want the whole world to know. This is different than the message boards, where there grouped by topics so more or less people are familiar with the group. I could write more about me, but thats a little boring. My days and nights seem endless and way to long. I sleep at 5 am and wake up at 3pm. many people dont like me having that schedule but I like it, I seem to sleep better in the day. I just cant take being run down and tired all the time, feeling bad cause i didn't get enough done in the day, and feeling bad cause i didn 't sleep. something had to be done. Now at least I am rested and happy..

2006-03-25T16:40:00.000-08:00

Cat's Finally Out of the Bag-Strr--etch

I went, I marched, I listened, and I got my picture in the newspaper. After fully panicking at the week old news, I think its going to be ok. No one has called or otherwise. Maybe no one even seen....but thats too nice to hope for. I wanted to take a little step out in the public-to make a 'face in the crowd' stand that would mean something only to me, Not especially to make a public announcement that a man violated me. The Picture through is nice, I'm getting used used to the idea-not that I have any choice in the matter..........I dont regret it, and I'm glad I went. JUST A LITTLE SHOCK, that's all. Its not everyday that my deepest secrets get spotlighted in the newspaper. My husband says I worry too much. Yeah, but I just found out Today, so give me this moment of worry, to make up for all the worry I missed last week, lol. It may even help some relationships. I'm not ashamed of it anymore, maybe my hypnosis tapes are working, or I'm finally tired of being ashamed of it all my life, I'd like to think its both.

After I settled down....I started thinking of the situation now at hand (besides the facilitator reading) that I am going to have to deal with people's questions. It was a rally, I could easily bypass it altogether, by the ones who dont know me well. My family will know its for the 'abuse' part. I got happy, a little, thinking of how mad my mother would be to see her daughter on the front page of the newspaper section, publicly involved in what she couldn't face. My brothers will wonder why I was there, my dad....well he will take it the wrong way. That's all fine with me. I can't lose what I never had. I just learned this is called predicting or mindreading in an anxiety book, thinking of what future things will happen...Indeed, this is a great milestone I will be happy to have done, once the shock wears off. Well I go where my feelings take me.

2006-03-25T16:34:00.000-08:00

I'm Nicolette. Welcome to my Blog. I dont know about going public with my journaling. It maybe too much for some- so reader descretion advised. I'll try to warn readers which posts maybe too graphic. If you want to know about me...you are welcome to read on. Some things I will say right now. I dont have an opinion on relgious beliefs. I am not religious or atheiest-religion never been in my life. I believe for those who do have religion its great for them, I think everyone needs to have a belief in something. Its just not for me.

I have dealt with child sexual abuse, abuse, and rape in the past. I have nightmares which would be too graphic to post publicy on here. I have marched publicly against sexual violence. I am looking to start an instuition that would help survivors better than the gov't programs currently do. That's a long way in the future. For now I'm just getting on the better side of my depression-and started to want to live again. Most of my writtings have been about my recovery and venting off the days stresses. I dont know what I'm going to write in this public blog. I dont like there's no paragraphs. I'll think of something interesting for all my readers.